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Keyword: satire

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  • Abortion a "Tool to End Poverty" [semi-satire]

    07/18/2017 9:59:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 July 2017 | John Semmens
    In a recent interview with CTV News, Marie-Claude Bibeau, Canada's Minister of International Development and La Francophonie, called abortion a "tool to end poverty" and labeled the Catholic Church's objections "illogical and self-serving." "Abortions reduce the number of people sharing the world's resources," Bibeau pointed out. "Culling the population in this manner means there is a bigger slice of the pie for each survivor. The Church's opposition would condemn an ever-growing human herd to subsist on shrinking shares of material goods." "I try to be tolerant of their religious beliefs, but I can't acquiesce to their sinister plan to promote...
  • Trump Jr. Meeting Proves Collusion [semi-satire]

    07/17/2017 1:01:52 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 July 2017 | John Semmens
    Former chairman for Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign John Podesta declared that the recent disclosure by Donald Trump Jr. that he met with a Russian lawyer hoping to receive information that would damage Hillary Clinton's chances of being elected "is the final link in the chain of evidence proving that Donald Trump cheated his way into the presidency." "I mean, it's not as if there wasn't already a mountain of facts clearly establishing an intent to deny Secretary Clinton her rightful place as president," Podesta contended. "At every turn the Trump campaign sought to portray her in a negative light—her policies...
  • Seattle Councilman Says Hosing Excrement off Sidewalk “Racist” [semi-satire]

    07/16/2017 5:50:01 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 July 2016 | John Semmens
    Councilman Larry Gossett bristled at a request for funds to clean human excrement from Seattle’s city streets near the Third Street courthouse, calling it “racist. It’s all part of a pattern of disrespect toward the minority community.” The request for $8,000 to pay for the cleaning came from King County Sheriff John Urquhart who complained that “public defecation is only part of the problem. The homeless denizens of the area have been assaulting and harassing citizens reporting for jury duty. The jurors are asking judges to excuse them because they’re afraid to come to the courthouse.” Gossett insisted that “putting...
  • Study Shows Twitter was Key to Trump Victory [semi-satire]

    07/15/2017 10:15:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 July 2016 | John Semmens
    A study from the University of Edinburgh analyzed 50 viral election-related tweets over the 68 days preceding last November’s presidential election and concluded that Trump’s campaign had a significant edge. “Two-thirds of the 3,450 viral tweets—which were retweeted about 26 million times—either attacked Clinton (39%) or supported Trump (23%). The other third either supported Clinton (14%) or attacked Trump (19%).” In Trump’s twitter account 64% of the tweets had a positive message about Trump and 36% had a negative message about Clinton. In Clinton’s twitter account 48% of the tweets had a positive message about Clinton and 52% had a...
  • Impeachment Resolution Introduced in House [semi-satire]

    07/15/2017 12:02:28 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 July 2016 | John Semmens
    Rep. Brad Sherman (D-CA) and Rep. Al Green (D-Tex) are cosponsoring House Resolution 438, a measure aimed at impeaching President Trump. "When President Trump fired the man who was investigating his presidential campaign for colluding with Russia he obstructed justice," Sherman argued. "It doesn't matter whether there was collusion or not. It doesn't matter that the envisioned 'collusion,' per se, is not a crime under the law. Firing FBI Director James Comey, in and of itself, is obstruction regardless of whether the campaign did or didn't collude because it stopped Comey from continuing his investigation." Green couched his support in...
  • CNN Report: Millions Of American Voters May Have Colluded To Elect Trump

    07/14/2017 12:10:45 PM PDT · by HokieMom · 97 replies
    Babylonbee ^ | July 13, 2017
    U.S.—A new, exclusive CNN investigative report revealed Thursday that millions of American voters may have potentially colluded with the Trump campaign to elect Donald Trump as President of the United States. While Russia has been accused of interfering in the election, the breaking report indicates that the collusion may have extended to a significant portion of the U.S. population—“as many as 60 million citizens, and possibly even more.” “The conspiracy goes much deeper than anyone expected,” Jake Tapper said on his news segment The Politics Lead. “We’re talking tens of millions of people involved in this secret plot to make...
  • Former Supreme Court Justice Criticizes Trump Travel Ban [semi-satire]

    07/11/2017 9:49:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 July 2017 | John Semmens
    Former Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens criticized President Donald Trump’s policy temporarily banning travel from six Muslim countries and averred that “if I were still on the Court I would have upheld the lower court decision to veto that policy.” “I’m not indifferent to the need for national security, but we cannot put that ahead of religious freedom,” Stevens declared. “I do not deny that some of the precepts of Islam encourage adherents to take a hostile stance against non-Muslims, but we should not descend into intolerance of this religious difference just because it makes us uncomfortable, especially when...
  • Cruz Health Care Compromise Labeled "Hoax" [semi-satire]

    07/10/2017 12:53:53 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 July 2017 | John Semmens
    Given the Republican Party's inability to reach agreement on what will replace the failing Obamacare program, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex) has suggested that insurance companies be permitted to sell insurance plans that are exempted from Obamacare regulations as long as these companies offer at least one plan that is complies with these regulations. "The same people that were eager to repeatedly vote to repeal Obamacare when Obama was president and sure to veto any repeal are loath to act now that there is a chance to succeed," Cruz complained. "It looks like those votes were just for show. They gave...
  • CNN: Donald Trump Rips Marine's Hat Off After Assaulting Him

    07/10/2017 10:08:12 AM PDT · by EveningStar · 31 replies
    YouTube ^ | July 9, 2017 | Uploaded by 21,687,875 views
    CNN: Donald Trump Rips Marine's Hat Off After Assaulting Him
  • Avalanche of Leaks Hurting National Security [semi-satire]

    07/09/2017 11:53:56 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 July 2017 | John Semmens
    A report just issued by the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee reveals that the rate of leaks of classified documents since the start of the Trump Administration is seven times higher than during either of the two prior administrations. Committee Chairman Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wisc) called the leaks "extremely concerning. Divulging classified material undermines our nation's ability to gather and use intelligence data. Federal employees entrusted with classified information are not authorized to decide on their own to leak this information to the media. If they have information they feel they have to impart outside the chain-of-command within...
  • Trump Speech Defending ‘Western Values’ Denounced [semi-satire]

    07/08/2017 11:02:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 July 2017 | John Semmens
    President Trump’s defense of “western values” in his speech in Poland this week was condemned by a pair of left-wing magazines. The New Republic’s Jeet Heer called it “a paean to white grievance.” The Atlantic’s Peter Beinart called it “an outburst of racial and religious paranoia.” “Mr. Trump’s unapologetic praise of life, liberty and pursuit of happiness puts ‘white values’ ahead of alternative perspectives,” Heer complained. “His pledge of support for the dignity of every human life is a thinly-veiled jab at a woman’s right to abort her unwanted child. His assumption that it is the hope of every soul...
  • Lynch Defends Ending Clinton Email Investigation [semi-satire]

    07/07/2017 11:49:17 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 July 2017 | John Semmens
    Obama Administration Attorney General Loretta Lynch clarified her previous denial of communication with the Clinton campaign with a contention that "there was nothing improper about my assurances that I would not allow the probe into Secretary Clinton's emails to go too far. Should an AG allow any investigation to go too far? I think promising to prevent that investigation from going too far placed reasonable limits that helped avert a situation where Republicans would be able to gain an unfair advantage during the campaign." "As a matter of fact, it was FBI Director James Comey who decided not to forward...
  • ISIS Jihadis Complain About Job Prospects [semi-satire]

    07/04/2017 10:34:48 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 July 2017 | John Semmens
    Now that the Islamic State is on the verge of defeat, some of those who are fleeing back to the European countries that sheltered them before they left to join the jihad are having difficulties finding jobs. Sweden is now grappling with how to reintegrate these men into society. Returning jihadi Imak Udih complained, "I apply for a lot of jobs, but I can't get any. They say that because I killed unbelievers in Syria I can't be trusted. But I was just following my faith. Persecuting me for that violates my religious freedom." Swedish Culture and Democracy Minister Alice...
  • Planned Parenthood in the News [semi-satire]

    07/03/2017 12:43:22 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 July 2017 | John Semmens
    GOP plans to cut funding to Planned Parenthood inspired some creative rationalizations from a couple of Democrats this week. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Calif) charged that Republican efforts to block tax dollars from going to fund abortions at Planned Parenthood "dishonors God. If God didn't want us to abort unnecessary children why would He have allowed us to develop the technology to safely accomplish this?" Sen. Cory Booker (NJ) likened himself and his fellow proponents of federal funding for Planned Parenthood to the soldiers who stormed the Normandy beaches in 1944. "We may not have to face the bullets...
  • Iran to Contest Trump Travel Ban [semi-satire]

    07/02/2017 5:06:26 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 July 2017 | John Semmens
    Iran, the world's top terror sponsor, expressed its "profound disappointment in the US Supreme Court's decision to allow the Trump Administration to reinstate its ban on travel from Muslim countries to the United States," and announced its appeal to the World Court at the Hague. Iranian Foreign Minister Javad Zarif said "our appeal will be founded on the concept of fairness. The United States can project its military power around the world. It has the most weapons and the widest array of means with which to deliver them. Our only viable means of countering this is to infiltrate our warriors...
  • Dems Vow to Obstruct Vote Fraud Investigation [semi-satire]

    07/01/2017 11:01:10 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 July 2017 | John Semmens
    Efforts by the Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity to obtain data that could provide evidence on whether vote fraud has occurred are being blocked by key Democratic officials at the state level. ” Neither the fact that there have been academic studies indicating that as many as five million or more non-citizens have voted and that there are millions of individuals registered to vote in more than one state and despite some irregularities—including more votes cast than registered voters in some precincts in last November’s election—were viewed as sufficient cause for any investigation by Virginia’s Democratic Governor Terry McAuliffe....
  • CNN Blames Trump for Fake News [semi-satire]

    07/01/2017 12:02:31 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 2 July 2017 | John Semmens
    This past week CNN was forced to fire a trio of its journalists for getting caught fabricating an untrue Trump/Russia collusion story. On top of this, several undercover operations conducted by people working with James O'Keefe revealed that assorted big wheels at the network knew that the whole Trump/Russia collusion story has been bogus from the very beginning. In one video John Bonifield, CNN supervising producer was recorded saying that "the Russia story is mostly bullshit, but it was good for ratings. Ratings bring in profits. Given a choice between rigidly sticking to the truth and making a buck—well, we're...
  • CNN Lists Job Opening For Head Fiction Writer (satire?)

    06/28/2017 11:48:45 AM PDT · by fungoking · 3 replies
    The Babylon Bee ^ | 6/28/2017 | Staff
    ATLANTA, GA—Shortly after being forced to let go three journalists for their involvement in publishing a fake story regarding President Trump’s alleged connection to Russia, media and news network CNN listed a new job opening Wednesday morning for a new head fiction writer. The network is reportedly looking for a seasoned author of thrilling fiction novels to fabricate news stories for its online and televised news coverage. “Must have a penchant for weaving complex narratives and fabricating intricate storylines out of thin air for the sake of ratings. Experience in Cold War-era spy novels preferred, in the style of Tom...
  • Whataburger announced they will be closing all restaurants as of February 2018 (sarcasm)

    06/28/2017 7:11:07 AM PDT · by Timpanagos1 · 78 replies
    Channel 45 ^ | 6/29/17
    The CEO of Whataburger Preston Atkinson announced earlier this month that they will be closing the doors at all their restaurants as of February 2018. The fast food chain has been going down hill do to competition and not being able to get other states to allow them to build restaurants there.
  • McCain Says He Won't Be Bought [semi-satire]

    06/27/2017 10:40:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 22 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 25 June 2017 | John Semmens
    Disclosure this week that George Soros, financier of international leftist agitation, has donated to Arizona Republican Sen. John McCain's Institute for International Leadership has sparked some of the Senator's critics to question his judgment. In a bid to reassure everyone that he can "take money from anyone without compromising my principals," McCain pointed out that "I have taken millions of dollars from Republican donors without letting them influence my views. In fact, the Institute was initially funded with $9 million in campaign donations that I never spent. The $100,000 Soros gave the Institute is tiny in comparison. So, I think...